What do I think I’ll be accountable for when I tiptoe into heaven? I believe I will be held accountable for this season. I believe He has allowed this for His good pleasure. I do not believe He necessarily caused all of it–I believe human decisions and mindsets have also played a factor–but I believe He in His sovereignty is using all of it. I know am to learn and to grow from all of it–the good, the bad, and the ugly. I am to love Him and I am to love others through it; I am to persevere. I am to hold fast to the confession. I am to seek Him, to dwell in His presence, to hope in His Word. I am to walk with faith unwavering amidst uncertainty. When my foot slips, I am to get back up and keep moving forward.
For years I’ve knowingly and unknowingly placed my security in what I did for people and what people thought about me (or what I thought they thought about me). Yet during this season God is calling me to go deeper. He’s calling me to walk the road of faith with perseverence. I may not have a specific man-named assignment during this season. I may not be labeled as “doing” anything according to Christian ministry tradition. Others may not understand why I am not jumping into “active” duty. Yet I believe I am walking in obedience to a spiritual assignment: to be me, the me God designed me to be, and to dwell, dwell at His feet. I have value, but my value is not dependent on anything I do or don’t do. Even though man may appear not to want or need me to do anything–even though there doesn’t appear to be a place for me right now–I am valuable; I am God’s child.
God has called me to serve, and I am doing that even now. I am serving in the waiting. And honestly, I’m not sure I want to label it waiting anymore. It’s more my season of dwelling, dwelling in His presence. I’m like Mary, sitting at His feet, soaking up His presence. His presence convicts, breaks, binds, restores, and rebuilds. His presence is life to me. I’m not waiting for something better; I’m dwelling in Him now. I am better because of now.
I’ve come to love this season. Yes, there are days people unknowingly do or say things that momentarily crush my hopes or shatter my sense of value. Yes, there are days I feel this season was man’s choice, not God’s. Yes, there are days I cry out for God to rescue me, to bring the future He’s promised to pass. Yes, there are days of doubt, of fear, of uncertainty, of asking, “Why me?” Yet it is also often with the next breath I thank Him for His steadfast love and ask Him to hold off “rescuing” me for a little while longer. Yes, with my next breath I cry out as David did, “Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise Him, my salvation and my God” (Psalm 42:5). This “valley,” as some would call it, is not an easy road to walk, but it is one I am grateful for. I am thankful for the opportunity to dwell in His presence, to learn through suffering, to grow through the tears, to heal through the pain.
Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life, for I see them even now. I see Him now, now more than ever. And I love Him. And He loves me.
“For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.” – 2 Corinthians 4:17-18